Should “I want” never get? – or what I thought I thought about on my run today!

I’m really not a fan of the saying “I want never gets!” I can see the points it is trying to make.

• I’m not your servant.
• Please ask politely for things rather than just demanding them.
• Sometimes the answer is no – just because you want something it doesn’t mean you automatically get it.

But these points are based on a particular interpretation of what is going on for our children in those “I want…” moments – and I am not sure that it is all that accurate.

I’m not convinced that it is really a fair or kind or constructive response to our children sharing a desire with us.

I wonder if we are in danger of trivialising something important to them. If they suddenly declared “I want World Peace!” would we reply with “I want never gets” ? Or what if they said “I want a cuddle.” Is our response as much about our negative/dismissive evaluation of what they want and how much they want it as it is about encouraging politeness? Are we forgetting what it is to be a small person, with very little autonomy seeing something delicious and not knowing if they are going to get some?

When an adult wants they often get. We can often have a degree of confidence in getting what we want. As an adult, I understand that if a plate of goodies is brought to the table I am probably going to get one if I want it. I can calculate the number of goodies and people and relax. Unless of course there are a variety of goodies and only a small number of the ones I like – in that case, I might be tempted to make my wants clear sooner rather than later. But generally, I can get what I want: I want a cup of tea – so I get up and make one. I have the power and resources to make it happen. When I decide not to get what I want it is because I have weighed up that “I want” with other desires and made a choice.

Of course there are also times when an adult wants and doesn’t get – often when the desire is for something that isn’t within their reach or control. And these are the wants we tend to share with trusted friends – “I really want that job”  “I really want it to be sunny on Saturday” – and if we’ve chosen the right friends they will validate those desires and empathise with us in them and/or help us discern whether pursuing that desire is a good idea – “I really want that third slice of cake, but I’m not sure I should…”

To share a desire – particularly one that is beyond our control – is to be vulnerable and open yourself up. Surely we want our children to be bringing their desires to us – particularly the ones they fear we may not approve of.

I think we should also recognise that to express a desire to a trusted authority figure is actually an act of restraint and submission – it is holding the desire up to the light and submitting to someone else’s decision about it.

A child could see the cake on the table and just grab it and stuff it in their mouth! But instead they recognise that it is not up to them. Having a desire and then inviting discernment/wisdom from others is a good thing!

Perhaps when a child says “I want cake” – particularly when it is on the table being served – they are not saying “Slave – give me cake!” but expressing some or all of the following:

• Oooh – yummy – cake – I love cake!
• How nice that Nana made cake. I love Nana’s cake.
• Isn’t it fun to be together eating cake?
• I’m worried there isn’t going to be enough cake for me.
• I’m sometimes not allowed cake – I’m worried that I won’t be allowed cake.
• What if I’m missed out? I really want it and I’m not sure when my turn is or who to ask.

So some alternative responses when an “I want” is expressed…

• Oooh me too – it looks yummy. Thank you Nana!
• Great – Nana will be so glad to hear that she’s made something you like.
• Thank you for letting us know what you want – that is always helpful to know. You may have some. It looks like Grandad is serving the cake – why don’t you ask him really nicely.
• Good to know – what do you need from me? Did you have a question to ask?
• Well that doesn’t surprise me! You can have some, but let’s wait until it is your turn to be served.
• So, you’ve told me something important to you – I’m wondering if you’re actually trying to ask me something?
• Don’t worry – there’s plenty. Just answer politely when Grandad asks you what you would like.
• I thought you would. Are you wondering if you’re allowed some?

Obviously those are all alternatives when the answer is Yes. But in my experience that is generally when the phrase is used – we are happy to give it, but we want them to ask politely. But the thinking behind it works for when the answer is no as well. “I can see why you would want that – it looks fun. It’s hard when your friends all seem to have something and you don’t…. I’ve decided that I’m not going to get that for you today. It is OK to not like my decision, but you do need to accept it…”

Anyway – enough of my rant. Do share thoughts, feel free to disagree…..