A troublesome fear

Of course all fears are troublesome! A large part of this for me is that they are so hard to pin down. Once you can pin a fear down and bring it into the daylight it is so much easier to face! To plan for, act upon, think through and above all take to the Lord. BUT more often then not the fear-feelings overwhelm me (a bit like the hanky soaked in chloroform in an old movie) before I can identify my attacker.

The troublesome fear that I an currently trying to unmask is my fear of getting things wrong. This one disguises itself as stress, anger, overplanning and over thinking. I suffer from high anxiety about whatever it is I fear I may be getting wrong and long to run away from it even though the ‘thing’ itself is not actually scary at all. A sign saying “your problem here is that you are terrified of getting it wrong, causing difficulties and making people cross” would help me face my adversary head on. But I seem to have lost that memo yet again and all that remains are the fear-feelings.

So this week I have felt tired, overwhelmed and a little sick for a lot of the time because as the children go back to school, and particularly as the One and Only goes to secondary school, there are a whole new sack of things that I can get wrong.

Warning – I am about to unload my worries – feel free to rejoin me later!!!

Am I driving the right way to school?

There are at least 5 options! Which is best in terms of time, money, fuel, wear and tear of the car, stress, safety……

Will I forget that the boys need to be dressed as characters from Roald Dahl books next Tuesday?

How on earth am I going to listen to The Court Jester read three times a week?

Have I chosen the right task to do while I sit in the car at the boys’ school for half an hour?

If I don’t go 30 mins early I don’t get the right spot for a quick get away to get the One and Only.

Did I choose the wrong school for the One and Only?

Am I allowed to drop off and collect the One and Only here or am I breaking the rules?

I got a very long, rather heavy handed letter about the rules from school recently!

How can I make sure I don’t neglect the boys now that I am spending 2 hours a day in the car?

Should I try the bus or a lift share for the One and Only? But then I may get that wrong…..

And so it goes on.

By the way – welcome back if you are rejoining me at this stage.

I think one of my problems with change is not so much the fear of the new, but the increased risk of getting things wrong.

So facing the fear head on – in God’s eyes what would be wrong?

Driving too fast or unsafely; deliberately neglecting to help them be ready for the day ahead; laziness; deliberately failing to think through the wisdom of different choices with the NTV once we have settled into the new term a bit; choosing to be unwise once everything has been weighed up; continual lack of planning that wasted time (of course it would be ok to plan to do nothing!); mistrusting God’s sovereign purposes and direction that have got us to this point; doubting God’s ability to provide..

Well – there is nothing here that I can’t receive God’s forgiveness for, therefore wrong is not frightening.

Most of what I have been having fear-feelings about is not wrong.  Mistakes, imperfections and the realities of life are not wrong. Right does not equal smooth perfection (sounds like a description of a pudding) but rather relying on God’s grace and forgiveness and aiming to do what we can, in his strength, with the resources, information, energy, opportunities etc. that he has given us.

I am safe! God is for me, so no matter what mistakes I make, however messy my day is, and even whatever wrong I do – I am precious and loved and forgiven and safe in God’s perfect will.

Thank you dear Father that this week everyone has got where they were meant to be, with what they needed to have and we haven’t gone into debt with fuel costs in the process. Please give us what we need as we go on working through these issues, help me to act wisely, but without fear, trusting you to provide all we need. Please help me to know and feel safe in your love and care. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Sorry to abandon our current fixation thread – normal service will resume soon!

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